Things had been stressful at work for a while and that is while I haven’t been on for a while.
Well… that and the fact that the CEO (King Henry) found the blog. I think that he didn’t like what I had said, and my comments on hubris.
I’m currently up in Myrtle Beach, tying up loose ends, and I’ll be out of here in the morning, back to the house tomorrow night.
I may post some more about things in the coming days, we’ll see.
After the events of my company were made public last week, I feel that I can now be a bit more open about it.
It’s odd. At work we have to make sure that we’re constantly wearing our badges to make sure we are people that are supposed to be there, and we have to remember to take our badges off when we go out in public lest we get inundated with with questions or “comments”. I do have to admit, reading the blogs about everything, you would think that the world is ending and all such non such. All of it couldn’t be further from the truth; and while I won’t go into specifics here, a simple search on the company, and how the investment deal is structured would give a clearer picture as to what the state of the company is, and that all I have to do is put up with fourteen more weeks of this.
The good news is that as far as I can tell, my 2009 budget seems to be acceptable, and more importantly I’m still on it. It’s a bit comforting to see that I am controlling my own fate; and I am continuing to shop my resume around. I think however, that things will be pretty dead until the beginning of the next year.
One thing that has really affected in regards to all of this is that I’ve placed my personal reputation on the line with my vendors to get this project done. I’ve spoken with two of my closest vendors and while it is good to know that they understand the circumstances of the situation, I still feel a sense of personal responsibility (even though I know that I don’t in any actual sense) to the situation and a sense of failure by association.
Another is the loss of the Italian Job. That hit me really hard because that means that I am the last of three that made a pact to stay together and to watch each other’s backs. It was because of him, I was able to work on my “working well with others” skills; and it was something that I was getting better at. I already know that I’m going to go back to my inner nature of being solitary. While this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I need to balance it to make sure I don’t alienate myself and my ducks from the rest of the company.
While all of this is going on, I have other drama going on in my life as well. My sister has this notorious habit to make me look like a lazy sod when it comes to being a workaholic. To the point where it causes health issues, and she was admitted into the hospital mid-week last week. If all goes well, she’ll be released on Tuesday (Gotta love the fact that it’s the same hospital that the President goes to). But I’ve been “volunteered” to go up there mid week this week to tend to her. So this adds just another layer on things.
What is it they say? “Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.”
In order to deal with the stress of the past month I’ve been burying myself in quite esoteric activities. Right now for instance, I’m becoming quite familiar with the Soviet Order of Battle for the units assigned to the western front during the height of the Cold War. At the moment specifically, it’s the units consisting of the 3rd Shock Army. You should see all of the Excel spreadsheets and Visio diagrams of information that has more than likely been created over twenty years ago that I have decided to do, from scratch, just for the heck of it. Though in doing this “research” it helps me understand the psychology of why the Russians moved into Georgia a couple of months ago (or atleast I delude myself into thinking it).
I really need a vacation.
When you have two different time zones constantly stare at you, time means absolutely nothing and everything.
I decided to answer the growlings of my stomach and didn’t want to spend $35 for a hamburger, so I decided to take a bit of a walk to do some urban foraging.
I think that it finally hit me then when I walked out of the hotel. San Francisco is like what the world would be, if the Chinese Dynasties had invented the concept of Manifest Destiny. Now please don’t think that I’m saying this in some jingoistic manner. Quite the opposite. The absolute melding of cultures makes for an interesting mirror world, and while I wasn’t scared of it by any means, it was just…odd.
Perhaps because my soul hasn’t caught back up to me.
The mirror world McDonalds was what I settled on. Fashioned to fit in a metropolitan environ, it was cramped, darkened, and dirty. But in that, the product remains the same. And in that I find some comfort.
I’m back on a plane in 8 hours, and my body doesn’t know where it is. I just hope that I can find my soul at the airport tomorrow, or that the hotel express mails it back to me when I get back.
That was how the Chairman and CEO of Cisco Systems, John T. Chambers introduced himself to me tonight.
Yeah, go ahead and re-read all of that again.
I met the CEO of Cisco tonight. Out on the patio of some hotel overlooking the San Francisco bay. We talked some about the park and the technology that is in it. Then he asked me “What do you think we need to do better?”
Wha?! Me?
Now to be fair, I was up there with about 30 other people, the circle of conversation was just six of us, and he was asking the question to all of us.
But this is me. People are looking at me now. And one of them runs a 130 Billion dollar business.
Hand to God, I actually heard myself say to myself “He took a duck to the face at two hundred and fifty knots”
Of all the people there on that patio, I was in the unique position of coming from the Cisco organization from a supplier role (in my previous life, I worked for one of Cisco’s suppliers and that company took on a lot of the business practices) so I got to know how the sausage got made and I was able to learn a lot from that. So I told Mr. Chambers that, and that one of the things that I learned personally was the importance of the ethic that is taught to the sales force. Without getting too much into detail, what they teach the sales force is to sell solutions, not boxes. They are taught to understand the needs of the customer’s business and to now understand it from the perspective of different functional groups, not just the IT department’s view and then to provide the right thing, the right way, and in the right time.
I learned a lot of those fundamentals while at Jabil, and I took them to heart here at the park. To the point where the concept was completely foreign to the rest of my coworkers.
And I told him, that he needs to continue to push to his people. This type of ethic is important not only in his company, but in the companies of his customers.
He moved onto someone else.
He seemed to listen to it all. I don’t know. He could have just been placating all of us, maybe not. After all, he knew who I was, and he gave me his business card with his direct phone line.
This whole trip is surreal.
A lot happened on that patio tonight. And in time, I hope to share it.
This is the view from my seat in 3C as I take the first leg of my flight to SFO today, and it got me to thinking.
There are times in my life that I feel absolutely embarrassed at the level of moving of the earth people seem to do for me. While at the onset, it can be quite cool. I find that that feeling is fleeting and quickly replaced with an utter sense of discomfiture that this should be something that a mere mortal such as myself should be allowed to attain, let alone imagine or let the experience cross my lips.
Even more so, this is hard for me to explain or even admit to, if I want to stay in the foundation of being an Objectivist. Can there indeed be “too much”?
As much as I hate “people” and big masses of humanity in a wholesale form (funny considering where I am going, and why), and how much I want to sit back from the lime colored, scorching spotlight of attention grabbing, I find that in some very rare occasions, I do enjoy being made the center of the world (even if it is a fake act by people who are supposed to do that), or made to feel important.
It does feel good to have someone come up to me and say “Mr. Montoya would you like a beverage before we take off?” or “Mr. Montoya, are you going to San Francisco for business?” It’s corny, yes I know. But how I am being treated is exactly how I like to treat everyone that I know of both professionally, or who enter my place of business. People come to where I work, to expect some sort of fun - that’s a given. But deep down, people come to escape and have a moment where *they* are important; where *they* deserve that rock star lifestyle. That way of thinking is even more apparent in the ducks who work for me. There is an aire of mystique to be in the industry that I and my ducks are in, and its compounded with the fact that we work for Rock & Roll.
In fact, I am sure, that this is the exact reason why I am being flown to SFO on an a first class flight to be paraded in front of sales people at their yearly RAH-RAH spectacle (I’m not being fair, I have no idea what I’m walking into in specifics, but it is a “Global Sales Meeting” and I have a good imagination).
The point of all of this is that it is the simple things that we do that pay off in exponential ways. it’s corny and passe to say but it really works. And this is me - the guy who hates people saying it!!!! That is what the crazy thing is. Don’t believe me? Wait until you see pics from the hotel that I’m staying at.
So, I guess in some karmatic way of thinking, that which is being lavashed upon me is based only because of the work that I, myself have done to achieve it - there’s your Rand popping back up. Does it make me feel any better about it? Not quite. But, what it does do is cement the knowledge in me that by my actions, I am making other peoples lives better, and if rewards come my way, so be it; but I won’t swim around in them.
I’ve been really wanting to do some blogging for a few weeks, but things have been just too busy at times and then I realize that time has passed up.
So, what has been going on? Well, a lot.
I found a way to have HP come out to the park to film the park and IT staff for their website and some viral video stuff. If all goes well, it should come out in October. I spent two days with the HP people and it was quite fun, even though stepping into that world of marketing and filming was quite trepidatious.
I also got to meet KC from KC and the Sunshine Band fame Friday night. The show itself was a fun diversion, and I stuck out like a big sore thumb wearing a Bauhaus T-Shirt. During the after party KC kept looking at me and seemed a bit scared of me. Afterwards when I was hanging out with The Italian Job, I had to explain to him that it wasn’t too surprising that KC was a republican (Italian Job was shocked that KC said something about hoping McCain wins), because of where KC lives in Florida, and that just because he did drugs in the 70’s doesn’t make him a democrat.
Hell, I had to remind him, Johnny Ramone voted for Nixon…twice.
I am heading to San Francisco tomorrow afternoon and will return on Friday afternoon. I’ve been invited by Cisco to join them to be interviewed as a customer who has implemented their physical security product during their Global Sales Meeting. Basically, I’m going to be treated like a piece of meat in a convention center, getting passed around to all of these sales people so that they can find out why I, as a customer make my technology decisicions the way I do.
Heh, that will be funny. One of my demands was that I go to In-N-Out Burger.
These hurricanes are a mess. I get back from SFO when Hanna is supposed to make landfall in or near Charleston, which is about 100 miles south of me. Yippie.
Then we have Ike, which scares me. That one has the potential to hit the house in Tampa.
And then now, Josephine.
HA!!!!!!
I got you. I’m sure my mom has more than likely fainted from the title of this post, and Amante must be going back and forth between confusion, and wondering where the good knives are. It isn’t what you think though.
It’s my ducks.
Last night I was informed that Guitar Hero duck (a.k.a. Nerd Duck, a.k.a. the child prodigy a.k.a. my network engineer) was getting evicted from his condo because the duck’s girlfriend brought some people into the place that they were renting, and those people completely trashed the place. The management company found out and gave them until next Thursday to get a new place. That coupled with the news from yesterday didn’t sit well.
As it appears, the duck was just going to settle for getting some place in the ghetto, and when Raider duck told me that, I flipped out. Guitar Hero duck wouldn’t survive a day there, and would end up hooked on crack by month’s end. I can’t have that, not just personally, but because that will ruin the team. It just isn’t an option.
So when he came in today, I grabbed him by the ear, threw him into Bruno and we drove up to one of my contacts that I’ve made while I’ve been up here. We walked into the place sat down, and started looking at their offerings. We went and visited one and I told my contact - 80’s Pop singer/shopping mall crooner Tiffany, that Guitar Hero would bring his girlfriend and then they would decide if it could work for them. I also told them, that we need to make this work, and make it work soon.
Driving back, we started going over the cost of this place to see if he could afford it. One of the things I asked him was how much his current electric bill is… which landed at between $100-$150 a month.
I nearly caused an accident from slamming on my brakes. My bill up here is high when its $75 a month.
“What temperature do you keep your thermostat set?” I asked him.
“62″, he replied blankly.
I almost, God only knows how I managed restraint, beat him right there.
It was then that I really realized that I am a parent.
My life is indeed crazy… that or I am playing the role of Job in some weird TV movie and as much as I would like to reveal everything going on, as the police say “I am not allowed to comment during an ongoing investigation”.
That being said; it was all right. Everything. My dread. The Hubris. Everything. After many many reschedules of my diet meeting, I finally was able to get a few minutes with Charlie Brown, and I wanted to get to the “truth” of my concerns and questions. The answers given to me were a bit enlightening, scary, and resolving.
It is obvious that I am not long for this company, no matter whether it is by my own hand or from the hand of another; and strangely my thoughts are only concerning my team and what to do with them. Protecting them.
Again, it’s about control. Even in the midst of a situation that I can’t control, I have to find that one little thing that I can control just so that the rest of my life makes sense. Earlier this week, I finally had to confront the ducks and let them know what was up. I couldn’t hide it anymore and they were starting to get really scared. So I took Raider Duck, Mohawk Duck and Angry Black Duck aside and laid it all out on the table for them. I have always been honest with them and communicated openly throughout the entire project. That isn’t to say that I haven’t kept certain things confidential, but as far as our department is concerned; the openness and honesty was something that I wanted from my leaders throughout my career. It was only expected that I act on that when the opportunity was handed to me. After telling them, they seemed to be a bit relieved; they now knew. They were afraid of what they don’t know, and now knowing what is going on with me, in a strange way made them feel a bit better.
We descussed it more today, as we can all tell that things are coming to a head, and it was stunning to have Mohawk duck come up to me and tell me that if the worst was to happen, that the main ducks would leave the pond out of respect to me.
It was a Dead Poet Society moment.
I also began the quiet, but necessary process of getting things in order. I have informed a few of my contacts of what is happening and that it can happen at any moment. And still, even now, my main concern is about my ducks. As much as people were concerned about me, I made sure that their efforts are directed at finding new ponds for the ducks and to think of me later. No matter what happens, I know that I will be okay, but because I have that nasty need for control, I am focusing myself on the other ducks.
These are lives, not line items. Lives that I feel personally responsible for.
Amante is driving up tomorrow and will be here tomorrow afternoon. Our plans this weekend for visiting my sister defend her thesis are shot, so it wasn’t like she wasn’t coming up here anyway. But to have her here now is what I need the most.
“As you get older, it is harder to have heroes, but it is sort of necessary”
I find the Hemingway quote to be quite true. The older I am getting, I find myself striving to want to live in a world where there are heroes. True, proper heroes. However, it gets harder to find them. Is this because my judgements are harsher, or is it because we in society have placed importance on what I think is the wrong criteria?
Robert Tracinski is quoted as saying that “Who we choose as heroes tells us what our culture really values. Our heroes are not just objects of a passing infatuation; they are the men and women who embody our view of the highest human potential.”
So I started thinking, who are my heroes now? And what do my heroes say about me? During the interview process, I asked that question of all my ducks. Shockingly they couldn’t come up with an answer. Perhaps it was because I am sure no one has ever asked them that question, or perhaps they never thought about it.
I think this is what will be thinking about this weekend. I’m driving to Atlanta this weekend and will have a lot of time in the car.
con·trol /kənˈtroʊl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuh
n-trohl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation verb, -trolled, -trol·ling, noun
–verb (used with object)
| 1. |
to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command. |
| 2. |
to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one’s emotions. |
| 3. |
to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison. |
| 4. |
to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire. |
| 5. |
Obsolete. to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register. |
–noun
| 6. |
the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command: Who’s in control here? |
| 7. |
the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another: The car is out of control. |
| 8. |
check or restraint: Her anger is under control. |
| 9. |
a legal or official means of regulation or restraint: to institute wage and price controls. |
| 10. |
a standard of comparison in scientific experimentation. |
| 11. |
a person who acts as a check; controller. |
| 12. |
a device for regulating and guiding a machine, as a motor or airplane. |
| 13. |
controls, a coordinated arrangement of such devices. |
| 14. |
prevention of the flourishing or spread of something undesirable: rodent control. |
| 15. |
Baseball. the ability of a pitcher to throw the ball into the strike zone consistently: The rookie pitcher has great power but no control. |
| 16. |
Philately. any device printed on a postage or revenue stamp to authenticate it as a government issue or to identify it for bookkeeping purposes. |
| 17. |
a spiritual agency believed to assist a medium at a séance. |
| 18. |
the supervisor to whom an espionage agent reports when in the field. |
I have determined that when I die, it will be when I have encountered a situation where I find that I have absolutely no path, no means or manner by which I can exude some control over said situation. It’s easy for all of us to look back at our highest of points and see where we were in the throes of control over the situation, but how many of us can honestly look back at us in our lowest of lows and admit *that* was when we were in the most control ever of our lives.
I face these constructs of control every day - through all fault of my own in actuality. For me, there is a constant, daily ”struggle” to maintain what I consider control in my life. It can be the slightest thing somewhere in the day where I have exerted control over a situation; but I need to just have that small little bite at the apple. And damn anyone who stands in the way of it. Worse still, I admit that I’m using situations at work because I have been missing the opportunity to exert control in my personal life - because, let’s be honest, my personal life has taken a back burner to everything else (now if you really want a mindfuck, re-read the last sentence of the previous paragraph). Worse still, is how conflicted I feel about it all, Worst, in that I even have conflict.
Deep down in me, part of me wants to admit to this as some sort of a sickness -*I* have to be the only one who feels this way. No human person can really base his humanity on the level of control that they think they have manipulated their world around, can they? Am I a good person because I am in what I perceive as “control”? Is it really control that I think I am in? But the other part of me cannot understand how anyone can live their lives, let alone get out of bed in the morning without the will, the constant desire, to absolutely control every last thing that interacts with them in their lives.
I think that this month of July has proven to be the biggest in regards to being a crucible of control for me. From the little things that I’ve dealt with, up to the fact that I am in direct control of the lives of 11 people and their respective loved ones - close to 25 people when its all said and done; and while there are many chances of me to fail throughout various points of the crucible this last point is what scares me the most. More than likely because it is that which I have no control over (or truth be told - too much of it).
*****
Casey Pollard has taken the flight to Moscow, and is slowly, quietly started to make peace with the fact that her father may have indeed died on 9/11. She’s flying there on her own dime so that Hubertus and the rest of Blue Ant can’t find out, even though its because of Hubertus that she would be in a position to even be going to Moscow. She’s going there and we know that Damien is already there. She knows it. Does she even realize it? But does it even matter? The footage is there. Which is more important to her? The ubiquitous footage or Damien?
Casey is fleeting with control, thinking that she’s barely holding onto it as its flying over the continent in the Aeroflot to Sheremetyevo. But I think that somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows she’s only kidding herself and that she’s nowhere in control and that it is the events, the chase that have control over her.
I recently had a chat with a friend of mine where I mentioned Casey’s Adventures and how I can place both of us in the various characters, in multiple examples. Funnier still because we have different desires in relation to control, and use the concept in the most different of manners on its basest levels. It is comforting however, to know that there are others out there who are either hooked on the drug of control (however it manifests itself be it either by wanting to maintain control, or to desperately want to relinquish control) or at least understand why the flame is so warm and inviting.
*****
This is the week that everything changes, and the changes potentially become concrete tomorrow. I hold the lives of eleven people in my hands, all at the whims of the self appointed gods above me. What little control I really have over them, over myself is inconsequential to those that are above me - who give the impression that they do not understand or cannot be bothered to be preoccupied with that small, irritating little fact. This is what scares me. This is what keeps me from sleeping. This is the one thing that I wake up every morning with the desire to control. This is the only thing.
And this is the only thing that I come home to every day knowing that I haven’t grasped. Does that make me less human because I cannot achieve my goal, or does it ratify my knowledge that it is because I am human that i will never attain that one goal?
Is it even possible that anyone else can fathom how control inpacts my life?
Next Page »
